ready to take a chance

It's been forever since I've felt so relax and unstressed. When it came to relationship, I tend to dis chart the topic. I haven't been able to be so free and let myself go. Being comfortable around ppl and not having the worry in the world. Feeling safe and content. It's hard for me to trust ppl, I'm paranoid and I'm scared of everything daily.
But I'm finally ready after 24 years. I'm ready to take the chance - in a relationship with anyone. Even though I know how much it can affect me, I'm ready to try it out. I'm sick of being alone, feeling alone, being scared of everything around me and feeling lost. I'm done being strong for myself all my life. I want someone to lean on and able to rely on them. Call the person anytime. Getting cuddles, doing wild things together, trying things out, feeling safe, being able to wake up with the person next to you, being loved, feeling loved, teased, a smile on the face all day, inspiration in my music.... the whole package. *sigh*
I can't wait for that day to come.
A strong, matured person with me. Exciting life.........
=)
Makes everything interesting, exciting and hot =)

It's an undescribable feeling

guy + gal = sex
sex = emotions, feelings

hmmm.... I've never felt this way before. Most of the previous guys I dated were lies of feelings. Most of the time to shut them off or just fool around to make my life interesting like an experiment of life. But this is different.
It started out as a casual thing between 2 person. No feelings attached and we both knew that. It's been more then a year since we've been seeing each other outside church since I was here. And to think it took him just that 1 phone call to ask me out that nite last year for drinks and me to say yes.
I've always knew there would be something between us since the 1st time i saw him but I never knew it would be this way. We're just attracted to each other and know each other. We have the same belief and it just seem perfect but blurry.
We somehow wouldn't cheat each other even though we're not a couple and always end up back into each others embrace. It's a totally weird feeling and I fear with just the word LOVE or serious relationship. I ended it 2 months ago saying it's not healthy seeing each other in the middle of the nite and as this relationship is secret. And he understood every word I said even though he wanted a reason. But after a month not seeing each other, we're back to each others embrace and loving it even more. We're both not ready for a serious relationship but I can see now that after that 1 month break, we're showing a little more affection towards each other. And that's all i needed. To know he feels the same way without words......
All I'm certain about now is that he's everything to me and I both hate and love this feeling. I want more of him everyday but our individual lives keeps us from being together. The universe works in weird ways. All I can say is that I'm already missing him.
*sigh*

I need someone

To think that I don't need a partner is pure bull. To say I'm a strong hearted person doesn't seem right. And to learn that I'll live by myself would make me go crazy....
I realize that I DO need someone but not someone younger then me. Even though they are nice, loving, good looking and all. I need someone who is mature enough to look after me. Strong minded and hearted to defend me and ALWAYS be there for me. Willing enough to deal with my crap and mood swings. Patient enough to love me with all their heart. Trusting enough to share anything and everything with me, telling me everything instead of dealing with their problems alone so that I won't carry their burden. Open minded enough to know I'm not perfect and I have my uniqueness in life and about everything in the world.
That's all I ask for. Someone I could call or text and know that they would ALWAYS try their hardest to be there. To hug me all the time and hold my hand to tell me that I don't have to worry in the world that they'll try and protect me from the evils for the world. To kiss me passionately telling me that they think the world of me and that I'm a special someone to them. And Loving me indicating that they want me in their life as much as I want them in mine.
It seems like too much to ask for i suppose =) but *sigh* thats what I want. I can't openly show my feelings to any guy afraid that I'm just falling for them from the kiss or coz they hang around me often or coz the loving bid seems more then the loving bid. Or maybe they might be after me to use me, coz of my looks, coz I'm hot or for watever reason. It scares me to think that and I know some of them ARE true. I just don't know which is real or not.
Anyways..... Happy birthday to me.... *sigh* I haven't even heard from my god sisters. Makes me feel even worse...