I'm loosing my mind

I think I'm starting to loose my mind.
I'm getting super emotional and creating problems among friends. This isn't suppose to happen. Because of that, I'm starting to loose friends and I know I'm going to loose my bf. I want to get better and I think I'm expecting people to help me. I know that can't be right.
I'm not sure what to do anymore. And I really wish I had someone to talk to about it.
I would like to apologize to the whole world. I know I'm not only hurting myself but others around.
Fuck it, I can't stand what's going on in my mind. And I hate it to the max.
I wish and I hope that things will finally work out and that I'll be better.
I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.

I need help

4 days without seeing DD and I'm feeling more depressed by the day. He called surprisingly yesterday. He was at his friends bday party. Had a feeling he was either drunk or tipsy by then but I could be wrong.
My counsellor's right. I should continue seeing her but I don't want to. I don't wanna go back into that event again. Feeling hurt, scared, betrayed, helpless and used. I'm using DD as a way out of my depression and I know that isn't the way to go. It's been 11 months 3 days since that event and I don't really think I'm going far even though my counsellor thinks I am.
I've tried every distraction. I've tried every tech tic. I've tried even to cry out but nothing seems to be helping me. DD HAS helped me. I don't feel as frighten going out or using the public transportation during the day. I'm not too sure if I can say the same thing about during the night though.
The one thing that makes me even more depressed is the fact that I'm slipping further away from my music. I haven't written a song over a year, I'm hardly playing music, I'm nothing going on in my life (performing, playing, business). I feel like there is no reason for me to live. When DD is around he's been my reason to live but the longer I'm away from him, the more I drift away and feel like I have no purpose in life and that there's no reason for me to exist.
I'm feeling the pain of my heart right now and it hurts too much it's hard to shallow or breathe. I'm crying my eyeballs out again because I'm writing from the bottom of my soul. Just as when I play the piano when I have a heartache and crying on my piano.
I can't seem to do that anymore. I'm so scared to take out a paper and write music. I want to do it again but I'm terrified to do so. I use to write because it heals my soul, because that is the only way I know how to express myself. Now I'm just scared to express myself.
I know I've mentioned these things over and over again that it's getting boring for a reader to go through it but I need a place to write down what I'm currently feeling since I can't take my heart to walk over to my piano and play my heart out. Maybe I would. We'll see.
I wish this feeling can just disappear or that everything may just vanish. I always wonder what it would be like if I actually died. Always wondered who I meant a lot to or who thinks of me as someone special or import to them. I just want this pain to go away. I really do. I wanna stop crying badly. I wanna stop feeling the way I do.
I cry so much within these 11 months that I think my tears can fill up 2 medium size swimming pool by now.
I really need help.
I don't anyone would read this other then myself but I hope and faith that someone might and may put a smile on my face again.
I miss my little angel dog (Diana) back in Malaysia. She's 14 years old (human age) and hasn't have long to live. I miss her so much it hurt thinking about loosing her.

Depression

What I don't understand is how I work. How my body and mind work. How they ALWAYS conflict each other which ALWAYS leads to uncertainty.
After all the even which has happened in November, I'm not sure if I'm ok or not. Reality, I am NOT ok but with DD around I feel so much at ease and so much happier. The longer I'm away from him, the more I feel myself falling deep into depression and I don't know what to do. I lead back into alcohol and painkillers just wanting the pain and visions to stop. At times I'd feel like killing myself. I know it's the wrong thing to do and I should be strong but another part of me can't take this kind of pressure. It's just too hard for me to take in. I know I should talk to DD about it but somehow I just can't. I don't want to be a needy person as I think I am and I don't want to be the negative person around. I want to be happy and enjoy his company and security.
I have no idea who to talk to anymore and I have no idea where to go.
I trust DD with all my life and my soul and he's my music but now being away from him, I feel stuck. I feel like I'm making him up. I feel like everything's a lie. I feel like I'm going crazy. I just feel so lost and soulless.
I use to be a strong person. Fighting every battle alone. Going through minefields and surviving every one of them. I would fall but bring myself back up. I would get lost and find my way back out. I've put my mind into another dimension to feel a sense of hope and love to constantly push myself forward.
Now I'm not sure what's a reality and what's a fantasy. When I'm not working, I'm stuck in my room. I wouldn't even leave my room for long because I don't feel comfortable. I haven't gone out shopping or watched a movie. I haven't venture out to a different place which is something I loved doing. I haven't tried new things and met new people which I enjoyed doing.
What's on my mind? Alcohol (that's my answer every night). Overdosing in painkillers. Wishing my heart would stop beating and I'd just drop dead.
I constantly think: "How many people would actually be there for me ALWAYS?" I can't even name 5. Maybe if they were single or wanted something out from me they would but I can't name one person who'd rush straight away if I told them I needed them without question.