Depression
What I don't understand is how I work. How my body and mind work. How they ALWAYS conflict each other which ALWAYS leads to uncertainty.
After all the even which has happened in November, I'm not sure if I'm ok or not. Reality, I am NOT ok but with DD around I feel so much at ease and so much happier. The longer I'm away from him, the more I feel myself falling deep into depression and I don't know what to do. I lead back into alcohol and painkillers just wanting the pain and visions to stop. At times I'd feel like killing myself. I know it's the wrong thing to do and I should be strong but another part of me can't take this kind of pressure. It's just too hard for me to take in. I know I should talk to DD about it but somehow I just can't. I don't want to be a needy person as I think I am and I don't want to be the negative person around. I want to be happy and enjoy his company and security.
I have no idea who to talk to anymore and I have no idea where to go.
I trust DD with all my life and my soul and he's my music but now being away from him, I feel stuck. I feel like I'm making him up. I feel like everything's a lie. I feel like I'm going crazy. I just feel so lost and soulless.
I use to be a strong person. Fighting every battle alone. Going through minefields and surviving every one of them. I would fall but bring myself back up. I would get lost and find my way back out. I've put my mind into another dimension to feel a sense of hope and love to constantly push myself forward.
Now I'm not sure what's a reality and what's a fantasy. When I'm not working, I'm stuck in my room. I wouldn't even leave my room for long because I don't feel comfortable. I haven't gone out shopping or watched a movie. I haven't venture out to a different place which is something I loved doing. I haven't tried new things and met new people which I enjoyed doing.
What's on my mind? Alcohol (that's my answer every night). Overdosing in painkillers. Wishing my heart would stop beating and I'd just drop dead.
I constantly think: "How many people would actually be there for me ALWAYS?" I can't even name 5. Maybe if they were single or wanted something out from me they would but I can't name one person who'd rush straight away if I told them I needed them without question.
After all the even which has happened in November, I'm not sure if I'm ok or not. Reality, I am NOT ok but with DD around I feel so much at ease and so much happier. The longer I'm away from him, the more I feel myself falling deep into depression and I don't know what to do. I lead back into alcohol and painkillers just wanting the pain and visions to stop. At times I'd feel like killing myself. I know it's the wrong thing to do and I should be strong but another part of me can't take this kind of pressure. It's just too hard for me to take in. I know I should talk to DD about it but somehow I just can't. I don't want to be a needy person as I think I am and I don't want to be the negative person around. I want to be happy and enjoy his company and security.
I have no idea who to talk to anymore and I have no idea where to go.
I trust DD with all my life and my soul and he's my music but now being away from him, I feel stuck. I feel like I'm making him up. I feel like everything's a lie. I feel like I'm going crazy. I just feel so lost and soulless.
I use to be a strong person. Fighting every battle alone. Going through minefields and surviving every one of them. I would fall but bring myself back up. I would get lost and find my way back out. I've put my mind into another dimension to feel a sense of hope and love to constantly push myself forward.
Now I'm not sure what's a reality and what's a fantasy. When I'm not working, I'm stuck in my room. I wouldn't even leave my room for long because I don't feel comfortable. I haven't gone out shopping or watched a movie. I haven't venture out to a different place which is something I loved doing. I haven't tried new things and met new people which I enjoyed doing.
What's on my mind? Alcohol (that's my answer every night). Overdosing in painkillers. Wishing my heart would stop beating and I'd just drop dead.
I constantly think: "How many people would actually be there for me ALWAYS?" I can't even name 5. Maybe if they were single or wanted something out from me they would but I can't name one person who'd rush straight away if I told them I needed them without question.
posted by mizzoflea at 5:07 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home